My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
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Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Here’s a meme
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.