My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
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Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.