My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
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My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
im all 3
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Happy Halloween 🎃
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.