@TheCatWhisprer: My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
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@jimmytorosian: Don't drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be "the dirty guy" and no one will have sex with you
@dragonsorbet: [Picking up girls] Me: you like bad boys, huh? Girls: yea Me to my wing man: tell them Wing man: he's just literally the worst