My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
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[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely