I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
You Might Also Like
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Guilty! 🤪
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.