Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
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Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.