My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
gentlemen, hear me out
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
(Musicians.)
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”