My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
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My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Jesus steals the winter solstice
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave