@Discourt: My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn't let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
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@VodkaThursday: I got an email from Olga. She thinks I'm sweet & "longs for finding a special person for serious relations". So there's always that.
@NicestHippo: *notices zipper is down* OMG! *zips it up* FRIEND: Thanks but next time just tell me and I'll do it myself
@HomeProbably: My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I'm having fond memories of when he couldn't talk.