@Discourt: My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn't let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
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@Just_Lee_: A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
@KateWhineHall: "You're a HORRIBLE parent!" - my daughter because I won't let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
@markleggett: Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.