My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
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MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
My boss called in sick of me
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal