@TheCatWhisprer: My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
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@TitaniumToplass: I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. nnThe police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
@JohnLyonTweets: -Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas? -I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a— -I was asking the boy, sir.
@_ElvishPresley_: IT guy: what seems to be the problem me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
@mamapojo: I RT you, you ignore me I fav you, you ignore me I ignore you, you ignore me This seems to be working out well for us