My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
You Might Also Like
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work