My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
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As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
u spoke cat all this time??????
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.