My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
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Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?