My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
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[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Mmmm canned fish.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”