My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism