My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
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Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.