My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
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6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
my nickname in college
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Just a phase…
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.