My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
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My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back