Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
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Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Jesus Christ lmao
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.