You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
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Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.