My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
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One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks