@jumpdashark: My tombstone will read: If You Don't Know Me By Now, You Will Never Ever Ever Know Me.
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@LuvPug: "So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another" -How I Met Your Stepmother
@therealeatwood: DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience. ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.
@Freudstombstone: It hurts my feelings when people call me a failure. I'd rather people think of me as successfully challenged.