Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
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I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!