@Abfablee: My tombstone will say, "She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard."
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@DanMentos: Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it's so hard to read I should really find a pen
@ibid78: *angrily whispering over crib* "Sheila you know I was raised by wolves. I have to pay it forward." "But why do they need their own cribs?"
@iRowlf: I'm returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful. "Sir, that's a loofah." Oh. I'm returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
@ericONEderful: A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.