after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
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[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Mornin. * use accordingly
i like to flex on them by shrugging
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Choose your fighter
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.