My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
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At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.