My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
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*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12