My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
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I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
me, after any kind of buffet.
2023 was just a warmup
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!