My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
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me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
The real reason evolution started..😂
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”