Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
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Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Realize this:
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.