I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
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Camping tip: No.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.