My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
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If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Oh thanks BBC.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.