My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
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*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
🙅🏻
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.