My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
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me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.