Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.