Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
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Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.