My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
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If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
You have been warned.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!