My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
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*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.