My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
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My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
The human personality is made of five key elements
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.