My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
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I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”