*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
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i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.