In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
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Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.