Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
You Might Also Like
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Is this a threat?
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.