Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.