@BlakWidowBarbee: My tweets don't get the attention they used to. I've seen more stars after getting my head slammed into the headboard.
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@AnkCoupleTO: Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa Her: I'm so sorry, are you upset? M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let's call it even
@TheMichaelRock: Boss: Why did you call off yesterday? Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.
@QwertyJones3: Most people don't even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80's. I saw a documentary about it.