If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
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If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*