@EamonToPlease: My TWILIGHT ZONE plot idea: The sole survivor of the apocalypse finally has time to listen to podcasts but still doesn't feel like it.
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@amishschool: Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include "mouth breathing".
@weinerdog4life: How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don't notice you walking up to them.
@JohnFugelsang: Somewhere in Heaven... Abraham Lincoln: The ppl who claim to be my followers just totally misquoted me. Jesus: You don't say.
@RatCasket: [ISIS cuts off some dudes heads] Whoa thats messed up you better quit it! [ISIS breaks old rocks] OKAY WE HAVE TO STOP THEM NOW.