Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
You Might Also Like
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU