[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
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Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I beg your pardon?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
What even happened today?
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name