My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
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Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
giddy up Office Depot
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Finally! 😈
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.