[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
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[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time